I Don't Fit In With Others of My Gender. Does That Mean I'm Gay or Transgender?

 

After the countless stories I've heard of young people questioning their sexual identities, I'm convinced that the number one leading cause is NOT that so many of us are naturally gay or transgender. Rather, we have simply mistaken cultural norms for biological norms.

For example, if a little girl prefers to play with trucks instead of with dolls, or wants to play baseball instead of stay at home to cook with her mom, there are many in our society who would consider her a "tom boy," at best, or a transgender person or lesbian, at worst. For some, these incredibly minor variations in expected, gender-based, childhood behavior are enough to insist that the child is transgender and should immediately undergo chemical and/or surgical alterations in order to force that child's body to align, as best as possible, with that perceived gender.

Consider the case of James Younger, whose mother has insisted is actually a girl named "Luna," and is seeking court approval to start her son on puberty blockers when he begins puberty. Apparently, she decided her son was actually male when she saw him playing with a Frozen toy when he was as young as 3 years old. Since then, she has conditioned him to behave in stereotypically female ways, including dressing him in girls' clothing, having him use the girls' bathroom at school, and insisting that everyone in his life tell him he's a girl and treat him like a girl. Click HERE for more on that story.

So, let's explore the basic questions that cases like these bring up:

Are Little Boys Who Play with "Girl Toys"
Gay or Transgender?

No, of course not! Why? Because it's culture, not biology, that has assigned "femininity" or "masculinity" to inanimate objects. A doll is not an exclusively feminine item, and a truck is not an exclusively masculine item. These things have no gender. However, since we are an extremely sexist, male-centric culture, we have created some extremely narrow, legalistic, and restrictive gender roles. These gender roles typically relegate females to what are considered passive, domestic chores and males to activities we feel exude power and control. Therefore, items like dolls are considered "toys for girls" and items like trucks are considered "toys for boys." Far be it for anyone to stray from these perceived gender norms, lest they be labeled sexually deviant.

But little children are innocent, and they haven't yet been poisoned by our sexism and lack of respect for the natural, biological expressions of humanity exhibited by males and females alike. If a little boy sees a colorful doll, he may very well enjoy playing with it. After all, females aren't the only ones capable of loving and nurturing and protecting babies and children. Males are also designed in God's image, and God is described as a "mother hen who longs to gather her chicks under her wings" (Matt. 23:37). To claim differently is to insult the many wonderful dads out there. And males aren't the only ones capable of engaging in world-changing, powerful activities. Eve was called "ezer" (Genesis 2:18), which is best translated as "mighty rescuer," and is also a term used for God. I Chronicles 7:24 mentions a woman named Sheerah who built two cities, Esther saved her nation from slaughter, and Deborah was the spiritual, military, and political leader of Israel. (Yes! She was even in charge of all the men.)

We must stop relying on stereotypes and prejudice to inform our understandings of natural, biological gender.

Get this: If a male person likes to sew or braid hair, that is a biologically natural expression of maleness--simply because the person enjoying those things is biologically male! Sewing and braiding hair has absolutely nothing to do with sexual attraction. No non-sexual activity does! That person is NOT gay. He is NOT transgender.

If a female person enjoys playing sports, leading meetings, or working with heavy equipment, that is a biologically natural expression of femaleness--simply because the person enjoying those things is biologically female! Being athletic, being a leader, and working a back hoe has absolutely nothing to do with sexual attraction. That person is NOT a lesbian. She is NOT transgender.

Does Variation in Body Type Indicate Sexual Preference?

Certainly not. You don't have to be a broad-shouldered, muscular, deep-voiced male to be heterosexual. Likewise, men with slight figures or higher voices are not automatically homosexual. They are not "women stuck in men's bodies." Every cell in a male's body contains the male pairing of XY chromosomes. Therefore, if you are biologically male, your body type is a legitimate expression of natural and normal maleness. There is NOTHING wrong with you! Your body type can't make you gay. You aren't transgender. You are a natural, normal male.

And you don't have to be a slight-figured, big-breasted, narrow-shouldered female to be heterosexual. And women with broad shoulders, athletic builds, and strong arms aren't automatically homosexual. They aren't "men stuck in women's bodies." Every cell in a female's body contains the female pairing of the XX chromosomes. Therefore, if you are biologically female, your body type is a legitimate expression of natural and normal femaleness. There is NOTHING wrong with you! Your body type can't make you a lesbian. You aren't transgender. You are a natural, normal female.

Conclusion

If you are worried about becoming gay or transgendered, perhaps you are putting too much emphasis on what others say or believe (e.g. insults, accusations, and cultural stereotypes). Instead, pay attention to what God has to say about you. After all, He is your Creator and He doesn't make mistakes. He did not accidentally assign you the wrong gender. You are precisely who God created you to be, including your biological sex. And He can be trusted to help you with your sexuality. After all, He designed sexuality, as well. It was His idea, and He can help you work through any problems associated with it. Let me end with the following:

"God created humanity in God’s own image, in the divine image God created them, male and female God created them" (Genesis 1:27).

^"So then, if anyone is in Christ, that person is part of the new creation. The old things have gone away, and look, new things have arrived" (II Corinthians 5:17)!

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. And the life that I now live in my body, I live by faith, indeed, by the faithfulness of God’s Son, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20).

"Or don’t you know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you? Don’t you know that you have the Holy Spirit from God, and you don’t belong to yourselves? You have been bought and paid for, so honor God with your body" (I Corinthians 6:19-20).

"Therefore, if you were raised with Christ, look for the things that are above where Christ is sitting at God’s right side. Think about the things above and not things on earth. You died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with him in glory" (Colossians 3:1-4).

"...change the former way of life that was part of the person you once were, corrupted by deceitful desires. Instead, renew the thinking in your mind by the Spirit and clothe yourself with the new person created according to God’s image in justice and true holiness" (Ephesians 4:22-24).

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, then you will produce much fruit. Without me, you can’t do anything" (John 15:5).

The Church and Women by Jennifer Hungerford, guest blogger

In today’s church, it is perplexing that just as much immorality takes place within the church at large as compared to the rest of the world.  It would seem that Christians shouldn’t struggle in the same way, since they have been “set free.”  Issues like sex outside of marriage, pornography use, affairs, and abortion are some of the big ones, but the fact of the matter is, sin is as much of a struggle for Christians as it is for non-believers. The abuse of women—the abandonment and the objectification—is the same. 

Why does the “church” struggle with sexual immorality and perversion as much as the rest of the world?  Why are women just as likely to be hurt by men within the church as outside of the church?  If the church is supposed to behave and look differently than the rest of the world, what has gone wrong?  Why do Christian men abuse, mistreat, and use women for their own satisfaction at the same rate as the non-Christ-follower?

It all goes back to the beginning—back to Genesis. Back to God stirring up the dust and breathing ruach into it.  Back to God reaching into the man and taking out his DNA and forming another human who was just like Adam and yet different. 

We must take a look at our basic premise of the value that God placed on men and women.  If believers in Jesus are taught that Genesis shows woman-kind as “less than,” then mankind will treat women differently than they do men. They will see women as a thing they can manipulate, use, consume, and throw away. 

So, who was woman?  Woman was called man’s ‘ezer k neged.  The word ‘ezer is a word that means ‘a helper who is capable, powerful, intelligent.’  It is the same word that is used to describe God in the Old Testament when He came to the aid of people in need.  It denotes great strength and power.  And yet we don’t assume that God became weaker or in some way less able than man when He stepped in to “help”. 

The word k neged denotes an equal partner, a corresponding equal, and adequate helper.  God did not give Adam a liability. He gave Adam exactly what Adam needed, a co-equal partner, one who was on the same level as he was, who would walk alongside him.

When our church leaders teach anything different, they set women up to be taken advantage of. As soon as respect for the equality of another human being is removed, it is easy to justify all of the ways by which we leverage our superiority over one another. It is true that physiologically, men are usually stronger and larger than women. Their body strength gives them automatic advantage over women. It can be a very easy step for men to abuse their strength to bully or force a woman to do what they want.  Men can (and have) used their strength to capture women, to hold them in bondage, to torture them, and to sell their bodies. Unfortunately, these terrible actions have even been perpetrated by fathers against their daughters! The Bible itself shows us situations where women were sold or “given in marriage” by their fathers. 

Physiologically men and women are different. They have different hormones, which causes a plethora of differences!  Just because men are more prone to risk taking, are more muscular and hairy, that doesn’t mean they are automatically superior to women. What it does mean is that they need to use their power to honor God and to show the true heart of our Lord by serving others, meeting the needs of the weak, lifting up the oppressed, advocating for those who have no voice. In God’s eyes that is true strength. 

A quick study of the Bible shows time and again that God’s heart is for the oppressed, for the downtrodden, for those who have been pushed to the outside of his kingdom.  Proverbs 31:8-9 (ESV) says, “Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all who are destitute.  Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy.”  Isaiah 1:17 reads,  “Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow.”

The church at large needs to get a grip on an accurate teaching of the value of women, starting with Genesis.

There are many Christian men who are not abusers, who would never use their strength to hurt a woman, and who love the women in their life in a gentle and protective way.  And yet some of those same men still have deep-seated erroneous beliefs that women are inherently of less value and that they are not seen equally by God. They may not ever vocalize those beliefs, but these insidious belief systems are deeply rooted in the Christian psyche. Most women experience it in subtle forms on a daily basis.

It can be seen when a woman is standing with her husband, and another man walks up to introduce himself and make casual conversation. Imagine how it feels to the woman to not have the new acquaintance enquire after her line of work, or to ask what she enjoys doing in her free time.  Imagine what it is like to stand there and smile benignly while being ignored.  It can also be seen when a Christian man only makes eye contact with a woman’s husband, but never makes solid eye contact with the woman.  It can occur when the opinion of a man is asked in a meeting, but the woman is not given the same deference.

It’s not enough for Christian men to talk about women being co-equal partners. It’s not enough for well-meaning men to sympathize and feel regret for how women are treated.  Men must make room at the table. They must invite spiritually gifted women to be on the church board, to be elders, deacons, and pastors.  Because the patriarchal system is so entrenched, women need men who are not only willing to invite them into leadership, but who are excited and willing to leverage their power positions to see women using their God-given gifts for leading, teaching and preaching. 

Note:  There are many great books that can help Christians coming from a patriarchal background to begin to break away from the lies that Satan has used to keep the Church in bondage. 

Why Not Woman by Loren Cunningham and David Joel Hamilton

Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey

Who Said Women Can’t Teach by Charles Trombley

What Paul Really Said About Women by John Temple Bristow

Half the Church by Caroline Custis James

Being a Woman in America Fact Sheet

Marginalization and Subordination of Women

·         The vast majority of Christian churches in America claim a patriarchal or complementarian attitude regarding women, simultaneously insisting that women are “equal” in value to men, but that God has given them separate “roles.” Due to this “separate but equal” paradigm, women are consistently denied equal leadership roles, equal pay, equal educational opportunities, equal access to promotions, equal voice, and equal respect in regards to decision making within the church, home, and workplace. When women express dissatisfaction with this system, they are often silenced, rejected, further limited, and even accused of sinfulness (especially of having a “rebellious, Jezebel spirit.”) This kind of gas-lighting is spiritual abuse. Hereby, the Gospel meant to free is used as a further means of bondage.

•  Women are paid less than men and, therefore, receive less social security once their jobs end.

“In 2016, women working full time in the United States typically were paid just 80 percent of what men were paid, a gap of 20 percent.” (https://www.aauw.org/research/the-simple-truth-about-the-gender-pay-gap/)

•   Women are more likely to live in poverty than men.

“In 2016, 13 percent of American women ages 18–64 were living below the federal poverty level, compared with 10 percent of men. For ages 65 and older 11 percent of women and 8 percent of men were living in poverty” (https://www.aauw.org/research/the-simple-truth-about-the-gender-pay-gap/)

•  Women are more likely to be left to raise children alone. (https://singlemotherguide.com/single-mother-statistics/)

“42 percent of mothers with children under the age of 18 are their families’ primary or sole breadwinners.” (https://www.aauw.org/research/the-simple-truth-about-the-gender-pay-gap/)

• Women are more likely than men to be judged regarding their looks and what they wear.

(https://www.recruiter.com/i/in-2018-professional-women-are-still-judged-by-their-appearances/ & https://abcnews.go.com/Technology/story?id=119952&page=1

Psychological Ramifications

• Women are more twice as likely as men to experience depression. (https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/women-twice-likely-men-have-depression-survey-finds-n847556)

Objectification of Women

• Most pornography features women as sexual objects, not people.

"Men spend $10 billion on pornography a year. 11,000 new pornographic films are made every year. And in those films, women are not people. In pornography, women are three holes and two hands" (Jensen, Robert. "A Cruel Edge: The Painful Truth About Today's Pornography--and What Men Can Do About It." Retrieved April 24, 2014 from: http://uts.cc.utexas.edu/~rjensen/freelance/pornography&cruelty.htm)

"57% of pastors, 64A% of youth pastors in U.S. struggle with porn addiction." (https://www.christiantoday.com/article/57-percent-of-pastors-and-64-of-youth-pastors-in-u-s-struggle-with-porn-addiction-survey-shows/78178.htm)

• Popular media regularly portray women as sexual objects, which influences cultural attitudes toward women.

“Implicit messages such as those found in the Twilight series appear elsewhere, too. A newspaper story might describe a crime in a titillating manner or encourage readers to blame the victim. A novel might suggest it is noble for a woman to allow an abusive partner back in her life. A popular song might devalue or objectify women, or a movie might portray domestic violence as a ‘lover’s quarrel’ leading into a romantic interlude,” (Clark, Cat. “Intimate Partner Violence.” The American Feminist, Fall/Winter 2011, pp. 12-17.)

“Young women who have read EL James’s erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey are more likely to display sexist attitudes, according to new research.” https://www.theguardian.com/books/2016/may/10/fifty-shades-of-grey-readers-show-higher-levels-of-sexism-study-finds

Crime

•          Women are more likely to be sexually abused as children.

“Child sexual abuse is not rare. Retrospective research indicates that as many as 1 out of 4 girls and 1 out of 6 boys will experience some form of sexual abuse before the age of 18. However, because child sexual abuse is by its very nature secretive, many of these cases are never reported” (“Child Sexual Abuse Fact Sheet, 2009.” The National Child Traumatic Stress Network. Retrieved April 24, 2014 http://nctsn.org/nctsn_assets/pdfs/caring/ChildSexualAbuseFactSheet.pdf)

•          The cultural identity of womanhood and the female lived experience is indivisibly connected with being raped.

“Cultural representation of glamorized degradation has created a situation among the young in which boys rape and girls get raped as a normal course of events” (Wolf, Naomi. The Beauty Myth. William Morrow & Co.: New York, 1991. 167.)

Approximately 90% of rape victims are women (“Get The Facts.” Rape Crisis Center. Retrieved April 24, 2014 from: http://www.rccmsc.org/resources/get-the-facts.aspx.)

Women who have been raped experience a great deal of rape-related fear; however, even women who have never experienced sexual assault nevertheless report high levels rape-related fear.

(https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01591487.1989.11005984?journalCode=rjfs18)

•          Females are far more likely to be victims of intimate partner violence.

“In 2007, intimate partner violence resulted in 2,340 deaths; 70% of the victims were women” (Clark, Cat. “Intimate Partner Violence.” The American Feminist, Fall/Winter 2011, pp. 12-17.)

“Females (76%) experienced more domestic violence than males (24%).” (Morgan, Rachel E. and Truman, Jennifer L. “Nonfatal Domestic Violence, 2003-2012.” Bureau of Justice Statistics. Retrieved April 24, 2014 from:http://www.bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=pbdetail&iid=4984)

•   Women are regularly held accountable for the actions of their attackers/abusers.

Women are more likely than men to think victims should take responsibility for their assault, and women ages 18-24 are, of all female groups, most likely to believe the victim is responsible. (The Havens. Wake Up To Rape Research: Summary Report. 2010: 5.)

•          Though women commit fewer crimes than men, they are more likely to be victims of violent crime than men, especially domestic violence and sexual assault.

“In 2012, 73.8 percent of all arrestees were males. Males accounted for 80.1 percent of persons arrested for violent crimes and for 62.6 percent of persons arrested for property crimes. Males comprised 88.7 percent of persons arrested for murder and nonnegligent manslaughter in 2012. Of the total number of persons arrested for drug abuse violations, 79.7 percent were males.” According to this same study, the only crime where women accounted for a greater number of offenses was “prostitution and commercialized vice,” the majority of which could, arguably, simply be cases of victim blame—cases of women and girls who have been or are being sex-trafficked. Additionally, 99.1% of rapes and 92.2% of sex offenses are committed by males. 2012 FBI Criminal Justice Report. https://ucr.fbi.gov/crime-in-the-u.s/2012/crime-in-the-u.s.-2012/tables/42tabledatadecoverviewpdf/table_42_arrests_by_sex_2012.xls

Males are more likely to be murdered (usually by other males); however, females are far more likely to be victims of sexual assault and domestic violence, usually by a man she knows. https://www.crimeinamerica.net/2016/10/27/females-have-higher-rates-of-violent-crime-than-males/

“The overwhelming majority of women in prison are survivors of domestic violence. Three-quarters have histories of severe physical abuse by an intimate partner during adulthood, and 82% suffered serious physical or sexual abuse as children.” Correctional Association of New York at http://www.correctionalassociation.org/issue/domestic-violence & https://www.crimeinamerica.net/2016/10/12/national-statistics-on-women-offenders/

•        Women are unlikely to report being sexually assaulted or raped, usually due to fear of reprisal and/or rejection, the belief no one will help, or an unwillingness to get the perpetrator in trouble. (https://ocrsm.umd.edu/files/Why-Is-Sexual-Assault-Under-Reported.pdf) & (https://www.rainn.org/statistics/criminal-justice-system )

“It is believed that only 15.8 to 35 percent of all sexual assaults are reported to the police.” (U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics, M. Planty and L. Langton, “Female Victims of Sexual Violence, 1994-2010,” 2013; Wolitzky-Taylor et al, “Is Reporting of Rape on the Rise? A Comparison of Women with Reported Versus Unreported Rape Experiences in the National Women’s StudyReplication,” 2010)

“Due partially to low reporting rates, only 9 percent of all rapists get prosecuted. Only 5 percent of cases lead to a felony conviction. Only 3 percent of rapists will spend a day in prison. The other 97 percent walk free.” (Probability Statistics Calculated By the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network, “Reporting Rates,” 2013)

•       Women are more likely to be counseled (especially within the church) to remain in an emotionally or physically abusive marriage.

(http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/04/30/leaked-audio-shows-southern-baptist-leader-telling-abused-wives-to-stay-and-pray/ & http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-07-18/domestic-violence-church-submit-to-husbands/8652028)

Victimization of Pregnant Women

·         Homicide is the leading killer of pregnant women.

•  Pregnant women have been fired, denied employment, kicked out of school, denied housing, and restricted from other basic sources of economic support for refusing to submit to an abortion.
• Pregnant women & girls in America have been raped, stabbed, shot, bombed, poisoned, beaten with bats, and strangled—most often by the father of their unborn child.
•  64% of women surveyed reported feeling pressured to abort.
• 79% of women surveyed were not told or deceived about available resources.
• Post-abortive women are 6 times more likely to commit suicide.
•  67% of women surveyed were not counseled prior to their abortion.
•  84% of women surveyed weren’t sufficiently informed before their abortion.
•  65% of women suffer trauma symptoms after abortion.
•   Many post-abortive women report being misinformed by experts regarding fetal development, abortion alternatives, and risks.
•  Many post-abortive women report having been denied essential personal, family, societal, or economic support.
•  Post-abortive women are nearly 4 times more likely to die from any and all causes.(Forced Abortion in America, Special Report, Elliot Institute.)

·         Lack of Church Support for Abortion-Vulnerable Women

•  36% of post-abortive women surveyed were attending church regularly at the time of their first abortion.
•  70% of abortions are obtained by women who profess to be Christian or Catholic.
•  76% of post-abortive women surveyed said the local church had no influence on her decision.
• 59% of women surveyed received or expected the church to react to her in a judgmental or condemning way.
•  49% of women agree that a pastor’s teachings on forgiveness don’t seem to apply to abortion.
•  65% of post-abortive women believe church members judge single women who are pregnant.
• 51% of women agree that churches aren’t prepared to discuss unplanned pregnancy options.

(Care Net National Office 2015 Survey)

Women Are Stronger Than We Think

•    On average, women live longer than men. (https://unstats.un.org/unsd/demographic-social/products/worldswomen/documents/Health_BW.pdf)

·         Women are more likely to survive a crisis. (http://bigthink.com/philip-perry/women-are-more-likely-to-survive-a-crisis-than-men)

•   Women are more likely to be religiously/spiritually-minded than men. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-secular-life/201409/why-are-women-more-religious-men)
•  Women are more likely to donate to charity than men. (https://www.bizjournals.com/bizwomen/news/latest-news/2017/08/women-more-likely-to-donate-than-men.html)
•  Women are less likely than men to commit suicide. (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0010440X98900578)

Things Men Need to Understand About Women

•          Women experience far more fear than men, especially in regard to sexual violence. The threats are not imagined. Their fear is NOT irrational, nor is it due to being “overly emotional.”
•         A man will never have a healthy relationship with a woman he sees as beneath him.
•          Even “benevolent sexism” (e.g. “Women should lovingly led and protected by men.”) is still sexism. All sexism is bad.
•          A man will never be able to love a woman he does not respect.
•          Respect is recognizing and honoring another person’s unique, inherent value (even when they do not).
•          Love is choosing the highest good for the other person.
•         Intimacy is truly seeing and knowing another person for who they are. Think “Into-Me-See.”
•       A woman must have respect before she has love. (Love cannot exist without respect.)
•         In respect to a woman’s God-given identity of an “ezer” (Genesis 2:18), which means “mighty rescuer,” women will naturally fight to help and protect others. However, women in our society have been so ingrained with the idea that they are “less” and, therefore, deserving of less, many women are afraid to stand up for themselves—further compounding the injuries women suffer. Women are naturally others-focused, but this gift to humanity is systematically used against them.

 Compiled and Created by Susan Thomas, M.A.

8 Ways Women Can Kindly Demand Equal Treatment (At Home, At Work, At School, and In the Church)

This list could have been a lot longer! Men aren’t the only ones with sexist attitudes against women. We ladies were raised to believe these very same things about ourselves. As a society, we’ve (ironically) worked together to keep women “in their place.” But it’s time for that to change. We’ve seen the light—that women are, in fact, equal in value with men and equal image-bearers of our Creator. Scripture is clear that we have equal access to salvation, equal responsibility for the problems in the world, and an equal calling to minister to, nurture, and rescue the lost. It’s time to ask the Holy Spirit to illuminate the lies and half-truths about women’s value—and then confront them and reject them wherever they are found. Let us replace that which marginalizes and divides with that which unites us in love and respect. After all, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Gal. 3:28).

1.      Stop asking permission.

     Let’s say you have a chance to hang out with your husband and you have an idea of something fun you’d like to do. How do you bring it up to him? Do you ask him permission, saying something like, “Hey, Joe, can we go see a movie tonight?” Or, “Is it okay if we go see that movie tonight?” If so, did you realize that, just by the way you’re phrasing the question, you are giving him the entire decision for what you hoped would be a joint activity? You’ve just posed a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question, and unless this is something you’ve both been wanting to do for a long time, he’s most likely going to say ‘no’—simply because his mind is probably somewhere else at the moment and it’s often hard for men to switch gears that fast. And, when he does say no, you’ll probably feel like he’s being controlling and doesn’t care about what you want—as if he denied you any say so (when you actually denied yourself!). Often, the little power struggles that drive women crazy are the ones we create ourselves when we subconsciously accept and maintain a subservient position. Next time you want something, try a different approach—an approach that solidifies your position as an equal. For example, “Hey, Joe, I was thinking we could go see a movie tonight. What do you think?” See the difference? Instead of putting the entire decision on him, you’re inviting him into a joint discussion as an equal partner in the activity. You’re actually honoring him by, one, taking the pressure off of him for coming up with every activity, two, by being willing to hear what he would like to do, three, by letting him know you’re wanting to spend more time with him, and four, by offering a chance to plan a relationship-building experience together. Whether you end up at the movie or having a quiet evening at home with some hot cocoa and a shared blanket, you’re far less likely to resent him at the end of the night.

2.      Stop apologizing for everything.

     If you spill hot coffee in someone’s lap or lose your temper and say something mean, by all means, apologize. However, if you’re late getting dinner on the table because you’ve been working hard all day, don’t apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong. Instead, ask the family to pull together and help. That’s what families are for. If you made a decision in good faith that your boss or husband doesn’t happen to agree with, don’t feel like you have to apologize for it. Just explain your reasons, if pressed, and/or offer to readjust where necessary. But, as an adult, you have both the right and the responsibility to make choices, recognizing that sometimes those choices may not be perfectly on point. That’s just being human. It’s not a failing of womanhood. So, don’t apologize for not having perfect judgment or insight in every situation. Just recognize the error and adjust as necessary. As a general rule, try to limit your apologies to moral failures or for causing someone harm (whether intentionally or not). Otherwise, admit the error, but don’t apologize for it. Just fix it. To apologize for every single failure is to reinforce the idea that it’s your job to be perfect, that the person you’re apologizing to is your moral authority or superior, and that, if you’re not perfect, then you’re somehow less valuable as a human being. All of these are lies. Don’t perpetuate them.

3.      Stop treating adults like children.

     Women (particularly, Christian women) often buy into the lie that it’s their job to be everyone else’s “helper.” (In fact, the word mistranslated as “suitable helper” in Gen. 2:18 actually means something more like man’s best match and mighty defender/rescuer.) While there’s something beautiful about a person (males and females) who has a servant’s heart, there’s something unhealthy and misfocused about someone who doesn’t know how to value their own time and resources or set healthy boundaries. Women tend to believe that, if there’s a need, it’s their job to fix it. (Which doesn’t reflect the best opinion of what the Holy Spirit is capable of….) This is particularly true when it comes to their husbands. Here’s a tip: If you truly respect your husband, you won’t feel the need to serve him hand and foot or come to his “rescue” every time he can’t find the ketchup. He’s an adult. Stop treating him like a child. Let him figure some things out for himself. He can do it. He can cook a meal. He can do a load of laundry. He can take care of his own children for an afternoon. (It’s not babysitting if it’s your own kids!) Stop jumping in and doing everything. Let him join you in the responsibilities of caring for the family, and you could even step up to the plate in areas of minor home repair and auto maintenance, for example, as needed. The point is, if you want a love and respect-based partnership instead of a servant/leader relationship with someone, don’t assume the role of a servant. After all, you’re not really helping anyone when you undermine their identity as adults by catering to them as if they’re toddlers. So, go ahead and see yourself as worthy of respect, behave in a manner worthy of respect, and you’re far more likely to gain respect. (And do the same for others!)

4.      Stop reducing your value to how you look.

       Though we hear this message often, far more often we hear the message that our bodies (and, hence, ourselves) were designed to be little more than playthings for men. That is a LIE! Don’t feed the lie by dressing in a way that invites attention to your body (and yourself) as a sexual object. Rather, make yourself beautiful from the inside out, recognizing that you were designed to be intelligent, competent, compassionate, diligent, clever, wise, strong, and Christ-like. Of course, at the end of the day, no matter what clothes you choose, it’s never your responsibility to keep men from lusting. That’s on them. But you do have the responsibility to recognize your own identity as an image-bearer of God and to let that identity influence every aspect of your life. God has given you far too many gifts for you to sift them down to just one—the way you look. When you see yourself as more than a body and choose to build good character, others will also begin to see the real YOU behind the pretty face.

5.      Recognize and confront sexual harassment.

     Looking back, I’m appalled at how often I endured or ignored sexual harassment. Why did I do it? Three really stupid reasons: One, I didn’t recognize it as sexual harassment, Two, I didn’t feel entitled to better treatment, and/or Three, I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of the person treating me like a piece of ___. (You fill in the blank.) As a society, sexual harassment against women is modeled and played out for us in so many different ways, we have started to see it as normal, healthy behavior—as if sexual harassment and even assault is some kind of legitimate courting ritual. It isn’t.

    Sexual harassment is the making of unwanted sexual advances or obscene remarks. So, if a guy you’ve never met approaches you with a skeezy, “Hey, Baby,” you know this interaction has already gone south. To him, you’re a sexual object, not a person. Examples of sexual harassment include everything from wolf calls to asking about your sexual history or fantasies to touching your hair, clothing or body. For a more detailed description, go to: http://www.un.org/womenwatch/osagi/pdf/whatissh.pdf. If someone (whether male or female) treats you this way, and you didn’t ask for it or don’t want it, it’s harassment, and it’s illegal. That person is not your friend. You are worth too much to become some disposable character in their sexual fantasies. Don’t worry about their feelings! (They obviously aren’t worried about yours!) Look them in the eye and clearly tell them to stop. A simple, “Please don’t speak to me that way,” should be enough, but if it isn’t, feel free to report them. But whatever you do, don’t just take it.

6.      Hold your head up, stand up straight, and look people in the eye.

     This might sound simplistic, but body language and eye contact are surprisingly powerful. If you carry yourself with an air of confidence, people will be less apt to think of you as beneath them, and their behavior towards you will adjust to those impressions. If you’re used to being walked on, overlooked, or marginalized, you have probably learned to keep your head down, talk quietly, and avoid eye-contact. It’s time to change that self-perception (because it’s based on a lie!) and practice a healthy, pro-active self-confidence. You don’t have to be the smartest, most attractive, or most talented person on the planet to stand alongside those who think they are. Just being you—a fully human being with inherent worth—is enough! No one—regardless of their posturing—is, at base, better than you. God made you in His own image to be YOU—a unique, non-reproducible way of reflecting His image to the world. So, when you start thinking about what you have to offer, don’t ignore God’s voice on the subject! As a child of God, you have Christ! I ask you, what better quality is there?

     “Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not come to know God, God was well-pleased through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe. For indeed Jews ask for signs and Greeks search for wisdom; but we preach Christ crucified, to Jews a stumbling block and to Gentiles foolishness, but to those who are the called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men” (I Cor. 1:20-25).

7.      If possible, kindly replace sexist comments with egalitarian ones. Otherwise, flatly reject sexism.

      Sexist comments are so prevalent, we often fail to recognize them as such, but if they go unnoticed, their power to marginalize and silence half the population will continue unchecked. Because sexism is so prevalent in our society, both men and women use sexist comments without even realizing it. So, if you notice a sexist remark, simply kindly replace it with an egalitarian one. For example, if asked, “Can I speak to the man of the house?” Answer, “We’re both in charge of the house. How may I help you?” Or, if your pastor jokes, “I can see who wears the pants in your marriage,” you can respond with, “Actually, we both wear pants, we both care for the children, we both work hard, and we both love Jesus.”

      Other comments are harder to correct, such as those which deny you a voice or a promotion or an education based on your gender, or those which qualify as sexual harassment. For example, if you are told you won’t be considered for a promotion because the men in the office wouldn’t be able to respect a pretty woman as their boss, that’s grounds for lawsuit. Let’s say you’re cleaning a bottom shelf and your boss quips, “That’s where I like you. On your knees.” That’s sexual harassment. Also a lawsuit. Look them right in the eyes, calmly but clearly point out the sexism, and tell them you expect more respect in future. If they can’t comply, it’s time to find a good attorney.

8.      Embrace your femininity!

       Sadly, many women have been made to feel so devalued that they have adopted masculine behaviors. They may change everything from their clothing to their hairstyles to the way they walk and talk—just to blend in with the men. But to reject your own femininity is to implicitly accept and promote the idea that there’s something wrong with it. There is nothing wrong with femininity or womanliness or motherhood or sisterhood. You can wear a skirt (or not) and makeup (or not) and you should still be able to expect respect and recognition. You can be feminine, react in a way a woman would react, think in a way a woman would think—all without having to adjust it or apologize for it. Let’s say you’re sitting in a meeting where the plight of orphans is being discussed. You tear up because you identify with the trauma these children are experiencing. A man looks at you and says, “Are you going to be okay? Can you continue discussing this topic?” You can respond with, “The fact that I’m not okay with children being abandoned means I’m the perfect person to discuss this topic.” Don’t believe or perpetuate the notion that womanhood and femininity is somehow weaker or less capable or less valuable than masculinity. There is a great deal of power—life-changing, life-embracing power!—in the gifts women possess.